True confessions

This is not easy to write.  But, I feel that I should because I know there are so many who deal with this issue also.  It is part of the fall.  Is it a coincidence that Eve could not resist food?  I don't think so. 

Last year I lost about 35 pounds with Weight Watchers.  I was tired of not losing the baby pounds after each baby.  After four babies, those pounds add up.  I didn't feel good about myself and knew that I was not healthy.  I also knew that I could not lose weight by myself.  I consider myself a fairly disciplined person.  I don't have temptations to spend a lot of money on clothes, waste a lot of time in front of the TV, or other common maladies.  My vice is food.  It brings me emotional comfort.  It tastes good.  It is how I show my family love.  My day revolves around food, thinking about what are we going to have for breakfast, lunch, dinner, desert, and snacks.  Most of my day is the kitchen.  Thus, I eat too much and have no self control with food.  So, last year I made a bold decision to do something about it. 

Weight Watchers worked for me.  It taught me how to control my eating.  I can have a cookie, just not six of them.  I can eat real food, just in sensible portions.  It was not a magic fix or a diet, but a lifestyle change.  It was difficult at first to adjust to my new eating, but after a while the pounds just came off.  It was great.  I felt normal again.  I felt healthy.

Now I have gained about 13 of those pounds back.  Ugh.  Frustrating.  However, I know the problem is not Weight Watchers.  The problem is me.  The past 3 months have been hard on me.  This move has been emotionally draining.  It has been stressful, with a lot of details to handle.  Out of necessity during our transition, we ate out a lot.  I felt like I deserved it.  I threw out all self control to indulge my hurt in food.  I want to turn to God during these times.  Instead, I turn to food.  I know this does not make logical sense.  Why would I gain back what I worked hard to take off?  I don't know.  It is a constant struggle between the spirit and the flesh. 

I am raising four girls.  They will deal with these same issues, just as I see my mom, sisters, and aunts deal with them.  I do not believe for one moment that beauty is only what you look like.  I don't want my girls to think they need to be skinny.  I don't want their weight to go up, then back down, in a never ending cycle.  I want them to know that following God's commands will fill them with peace and joy.  His love for them makes them beautiful.  For them to know that, I need to model that. 

Because of all this, I am back at it again.  Hello, Weight Watchers.  It is me again.  I am counting points and getting myself back under control.  For some reason, those stupid meetings are so helpful.  You feel like you are at an AA meeting.  My name is Erica and I'm addicted to food.  But, it works.  I guess I will be working on it for the rest of my life. Just like I work on my spiritual walk, my relationship with my husband, my care of my house, and so on.  Why would I think my health would be any different? 

Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner saved by grace.